Monday, December 12, 2011

Larry' Cable Guy (Mater)s Politically Correct Christmas

They are now trying to politically correct-up Christmas stories so that they don’t offend nobody and that everybody everywhere can enjoy them. So this is a story that was formerly known as “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.” but is now known as “‘Twas The Night Before a Non-Denominational Winter Holiday.”

‘Twas the night before a non-denominational winter holiday,
and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The neutral gift sacks were hung by the chimney with care
in hopes that a non-specific holiday figure would be soon be there.

Children of every race, creed, and nationality were nestled snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar-free plums danced in their heads.

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, I got out of bed to see what was the matter
(and to find out who was violating the neighborhood sound level ordinance).

But what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But an emissions-free vehicle, and eigth size-challenged reindeer.

Holiday Figure was so lively and quick. I knew in a moment it must be…Holiday Figure.

He had a broad but normal face, and an advanced- sized belly, and he laughed: “Lady of Evening! Lady of the Evening! Lady of the Evening!”

Now can you believe that?!? What in the world? You can’t even say “Ho! Ho! Ho!” anymore?! What kind of commie crap is this? I don’t care who you are! His name is Santy Claus, and he cracks deer with a horsewhip, breaks into people’s houses, drinks rum and eggnog, and looks like Uncle Jessie from “The Dukes of Hazard” End of story!

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